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What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.

The term originated from the movie “Gaslight” in 1944. The main character tries to manipulate his wife and tries to steal her fortune. When the wife becomes suspicious of him sneaking around in the attic, he responds by saying that she’s crazy with phrases similar to “Why don’t you rest a while, you know you haven’t been well.” Like how the husband was manipulative, gaslighters isolate their victim and make them question themselves rather than others. This is especially dangerous because it blinds the victim from questioning the manipulator to potentially stop them from gaslighting others. But life isn’t a movie, and it can be hard to spot gaslighting in everyday situations such as school and work.

What are the signs of Gaslighting?

• Distract: The gaslighter will try to change the subject or say something that only indirectly relates to the argument.
• Deflect: The gaslighter will try to make their point valid by deflecting it back onto them. They will blame the way that you received/handled the information. Usually these phrases use “my” or “me” such as “in my opinion…”
• Defend: The gaslighter will try to defend their actions by claiming that you are the problem. Usually these phrases include “you” such as “you’re crazy” or “are you sure that happened.”
• Denial: The gaslighter will completely ignore what you are saying (usually for the reason above) and deny anything that you accuse them of. These phrases usually include “don’t” or “not.”

Here are a few examples of gaslighting. The two major forms are gaslighting fueled by sexism and racism. Some of these examples come from @ogorchukwuu and @ablackfemaletherapist on Instagram.

Racial Gaslighting

Racial gaslighters will try to change the subject quickly, usually to something political.

• Not all cops are bad
• Black people should just comply and they wouldn’t get killed
• People might listen if you protested peacefully
• How can people be racist if we’ve had a black president?
• There’s no need to worry about the police if you aren’t doing anything illegal

They will also try to deflect your comments with these to try to de-escalate the situation. Do not let these invalidate your feelings.

• It’s not all about race
• In my opinion…
• It was just a joke

Racial gaslighters will try to defend their reality and test yours.

• Are you sure that’s what happened?
• They weren’t being racist. You just took it the wrong way
• What I said is not racist

Finally, they will deny obvious facts.

• I don’t see color
• Not all black people face racism
• Not all cops are bad

Sexist Gaslighting

Distract

• “Feminazi”
• If you stopped wearing that people would listen to you
• People might listen if you were wearing something else
• You are going into science? Wow!

Deflect

• It’s not because you’re a girl
• It was just a joke
• Calm down

Defend

• You’re overreacting/too sensitive
• You took it the wrong way
• It was your fault
• You’re just on your period

Denial

• The wage gap doesn’t exist
• Women are just more emotional

Keep in mind that these are not the only examples of gaslighting. There are many more situations in which people make others question their reality.
Also keep in mind that you may be the gaslighter. If you ever find yourself saying any of the phrases above, don’t be afraid to call yourself out. Ask yourself why you need the sensation of feeling “right” all the time. It is okay to be wrong.

How do you handle a gaslighter?

• Document: How do you feel and what is happening? Be aware that you are being gaslighted.
• Challenge: Don't allow the gaslighter to think you believe what they're saying.
• Confidence: Ask yourself “What do I really believe is going on?” instead of “What am I being pressured to believe?”
• Seek help if the gaslighting continues.